At cell a couple of weeks ago, Jonathan read out a passage from a book that was really touching him, and one sentence smacked me in the face where he mentioned trust v control. Are we willing to let go of our control and trust him?
This is where I am right now, and have been for a few months. I have been trying to build a business and an internet church, and all my own attempts to make it happen don't seem to be working. Well they are working, but they are taking sooooo long to happen, it's painful. It feels like if something can be delayed, it is, and things that should take days to sort out are taking weeks or even months.
I was out running a few weeks ago, wrestling this out with God, trying to work out what was going on, shouting at God, when I felt him ask me, "is it enough to be a son?" That totally touched me as I realized that no, it hadn't been enough. It was around the time that I was speaking at an event on the Father's love, and God usually touches some area of an orphan spirit in the run up to doing a talk like that!
I have been worried about providing for my family, and trying to make that provision happen.
Just this week I have read an amazing book which I highly recommend - So you don't want to go to church anymore - by Jake Colsen. Don't get put off by the title, it's not downing church. Let me quote a little for you:
"When we are looking to the future, we are not listening to Father. Anything we do to try and guarantee stability on our own terms will actually rob us of the freedom to simply follow him today. We'll resort to our own wisdom instead of following his. The greatest freedom God can give you is to trust his ability to take care of you each day."
So learning to lay down my control and trust him for all that I do. Still chatting to God about the magic wand that he can wave over me to let me act like a his son all the time, but he doesn't seem to care for that approach. He wants to change me little by little and let me learn to trust him. To trust him to take care of me today.
Russ